No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
