i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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