my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
