Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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