It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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