I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
