uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
