Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She bit a glass in half.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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