would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
