i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
