mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
