Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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