remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
