Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
