my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
