All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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