OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
