fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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