Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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