Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
