i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
