Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
