so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.