The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.