Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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