Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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