Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
