so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize