i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
