I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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