she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my sisters under your porch take her home
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
