Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
