I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
