can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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