The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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