Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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