I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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