I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Your shirt... Was in my pants
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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