She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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