my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize