guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
