i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
