I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
