I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
