I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
