my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
