I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
