she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
