How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You took a bar mat shot.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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