tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
