Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
