I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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