New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
