I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
